How to make someone fall in love with you: when I blogged about the inevitable lows of mating sex and resulting romantic and physical exhaustion, I told about the true story of a little lab rat, which after a while could not be bothered to even look at his mate, and would rather use his spinning […]
How to make someone fall in love with you: when I blogged about the inevitable lows of mating sex and resulting romantic and physical exhaustion, I told about the true story of a little lab rat, which after a while could not be bothered to even look at his mate, and would rather use his spinning wheel unless another Miss Rat – a new one of course – was introduced in the cage.
How many couples do we know divorce or fell into a quiet and somehow automatic habituation? That is not say that all couples are doomed. Please hear what I mean: if couples were to be happier and grow together that would benefit them and the rest of their world in unexpected and wonderful ways. Frankly, I would not have blogged on the subject had I not a solution on how to make someone fall in love with you and fall in love with someone.
Our neurotransmitter dopamine tricks us into falling head over heels for a potential (and fertile or secure) mate until we reach sex satiety (orgasm) and move on to another target. Essentially, how to make someone fall in love with you and past genetic successes – understood as the survival and multiplication of the human race – are two different things. Our genetic determination may not serve our well-being anymore. We have managed to survive beyond expectations. The earth population is growing at an unseen pace, which leads many scientists to fear for the very sustainability of our lifestyle.
More, conditions are very different. Our ancestors were not over stimulated on all fronts by constant triggers, which would lead them to binge on food and sex as we do. I bet they did like orgasm and high calorie treats but their less abundant lifestyle would not get them into overdrive.
As pair bonding mammals we are also programmed for emotional closeness and the bonding would not happen without certain changes in our neuro-chemistry. Just as we are sexually attracted to this alpha male or this young female with potential child-bearing years ahead of her by our dopamine reward circuit, we have the opportunity to find a different type of person also rewarding by activating this other bonding mechanism. More we can combine it with lovemaking that tames our mating programming without causing sexual satisfaction.
What happens when you activate the right chemistry circuit?
Strong emotional ties, nurtured and grounded in bonding behaviors, have a positive ripple effect on all aspects of life. In fact, emotional bonding is probably the best health insurance you might create for yourself. This explains also why some population from old rural Sicily, with a very strong community life and support, have a high life expectancy in spite of bad smoking habits and a not so healthy diet. Likewise, it has been demonstrated that children who have the opportunity to benefit from these bounds are more resilient and resourceful.
What about adults, well it seems that whenever they tap in their bonding circuit, they will experience :
The key is oxytocin, nature’s anti-depressant and anti-anxiety hormones. It deactivates the stress response of our amygdala and actually filters how you perceive the world and your lover! Yes that is right, Mr. average can become the ultimate sexy partner. Loving one another (the right way) is not only a religious command but also a health prescription and a recipe to happiness.
Oxytocin and dopamine work together. Dopamine makes the person the object of our desire and oxytocin makes us fall in love with her. Oxytocin also makes us feel sexy and decreases the intensity of our cravings (sexual frustration) all at the same time.
Most bonding cues actually do not require words or lots of efforts and can be done at the end of a long day. If you do not know your partner that well, you may want to use them when you meet up in a subtle and natural way to induce a positive and relaxed response. Here is a list to which you can add some of your own:
Focus on practicing one or more of these cues whenever you are with your partner. which ones and how often will depends on the status of your relationship. It is for you to appreciate and start to feel the difference. One last thing whatever you do, do it with the intent of genuine care without expecting anything in return. The response might not necessary be immediate so be patient and observe how you feel.
Aude is an ex corporate Lawyer with a passion for health, self development and independence which lead her to give up her former career to help others through health.
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